You know, I've got this secret to reveal - I like to eat dirt.
Now, I know that sounds "different" but please, don't judge me for it, I was born that way!
I have no control or say so whatsoever about my "different" cravings, and even though I know that it is dangerous for my body and can cause me to be ill - I just can't stop. So, since I'm unable to control my urges, I need to be understood, coddled, pampered, and encouraged. Now when I say encouraged - what I mean is, you keep telling me that what I am doing is okay - I surely don't want to hear anything negative about my way of life - even if it is something that could save my life.
You know, about 25 years ago I was just happy to be an American citizen that was free to fulfill my urges in the privacy of my own home. I never had to worry about "storm troopers" knocking my front door down and whisking me away to prison because I was "different". I was absolutely free to practice my lifestyle.
But then things changed - I changed. I decided that I wasn't happy practicing my unique lifestyle in private. For you see, there is great amount of guilt that comes from my lifestyle choice, I mean most folks just don't understand the pleasure that I get from eating nice dark black dirt! So, I decided that in order for me to feel less guilty about what I do, I need to actually hear from my fellow citizens that even though I'm different - I'm still okay. I need to know that once they find out about my uniqueness, they will eagerly open their arms and offer me a real big hug. I also figured out, that if I announce to the world that I no longer want to hide my lifestyle, I will quickly be able to figure out who the good and nice people are and also who the haters are - haters being anyone who does not warmly and openly accept my lifestyle.
But you know, having the freedom to exercise my right to eat dirt in public, in front of anyone and everyone that I can accost and perhaps even offend - well, that got old also. I really think that the best way for me to not feel guilty anymore is to actually start teaching the world that my choice of lifestyle is actually the correct choice and that everyone else's - to not eat dirt, is wrong.
Yeah, maybe that will make me feel better about my choice of lifestyle.
But you know, although I enjoy being an American citizen and exercising my freedom of speech, and I take full advantage of my right to make fun of non-dirt-eating people - I just cannot stand the idea that those haters, those self-righteous judgemental bigots have the same right to stand up and speak out against my lifestyle. I mean, how dare they take offense to my attempts to push my lifestyle off on their children at school. How dare they take offense to my ability to promote my different lifestyle in the movies, and on television. I mean, I think it's great that I've gotten a few of my good friends, fellow dirt eaters - to use their powerful influence to make it look like we are a far greater number than we really are - that's pretty impressive don't you think?
Isn't it remarkable how so few of us have still been able to get some states to pass laws against voicing any negative opinions against dirt eaters? We've even convinced some states to pass laws to allow dirt eaters to marry each other and to adopt children so that we can indoctrinate them on our unique lifestyle. The real "cherry on top" event for us though has been the establishment of churches based on our lifestyle.
I mean how dare those people who call themselves Christians tell us that what we are doing is wrong. I mean, Jesus - during his entire ministry never once said "thou shalt not eat dirt". So, if He didn't out rightly say that eating dirt was a sin, then by golly it's not sin. But you know, even if He had said it outright - it would have been for a different generation, it certainly would not have pertained to me and my generation.
We dirt eaters have made great progress in these past few years but you know, I'm still not happy. I think maybe, once we've made it a crime to NOT eat dirt, maybe - just maybe I'll be happy. Maybe, if we change all of the American history books to show that all of the major movers and shakers and all of the heroes were in fact dirt eaters, then maybe I'll be happy.
But I doubt it.
P.S. I don't really like to eat dirt.
